Bring on the weekend…

Okay so I’m going better today, maybe it’s just a beginning of the week thing!!

 I’m emailing 2 guys I used to date when I was 18 (not at the same time, but my 1st/2nd boyfriend) cause I was on MSN and both messaged me last week so why not stay in contact – there’s no chemistry there, but I guess especially at that age, your major component of your relationship is friendship.

 K was my first, my high school sweet heart and all of that, I find it really weird speaking to him. He still sees me as the sweet 15 year old he dated, he always cause me little Jodes, like hm he grew up and I didn’t? it’s weird, because somehow I think I’ve become more corrupt than he has.

A I dated after school, but did go to school with him too. he did accounting as well, but ended up buying his own restaurant that he runs, so it’s interesting to see such a different side of what this degree is useful for?

I haven’t been exercising as much as I should, and am jogging today and have an official fun on Sunday morning which I’m a bit worried about, but whats the worst that can happen.

 I ordered a new contact lens after losing mine jogging on Tuesday, so now I just need a way to hit on my optometrist?? haha

“oh no wedding ring”
“oh heading out for a drink this weekend?”

haha I’m so lame…

better get back to this fun thing we call work..

Now I’m struggling again,

I was going so well, yet having him ignore me makes me think about it constantly
I really hope he doesn’t bring his children up with the same lack of moral compass that his parents have obviously inflicted upon him.
I hate that he has the power to continually hurt me, and I hate that he wants to? What kind of people bring their children up like that? Or maybe that is who he has become? Yet there is no way he is mature enough to be classified as an adult, he still “plays” for a living, if you could call it a living, he is too lazy to aquire a real job, because that would require working.  I don’t understand people who can’t see that life is better if you earn things and aren’t just given everything you wanted.

Work is okay, stressing me a bit, have alot of work on, have a lot of extra responsibility at the moment.

Had a great time in Sydney love my best friend more than anything was really great to see her.

Need to study more, need to jog more, need to be happy again and not be so upset.

Until then…

This week..

So life goes on!

I’m doing really well, I was up at 430 this morning to do the first of the corporate challenge runs. then had a nap of course!

Now I’m at work, I dont know if I’m just so under the pump, of if I’m just letting it affect me alot more, I need more filing space! the mess frustrates me, the 4 people needing stuff off me urgently thing is stressing me, while needing to have work to do for my grad.
I took my bosses computer screen he finished Friday, we have a new “boss” starting Monday, not so happy about that, let’s just say that I hope he’s a lot older and more experienced than me, for them to bring in a supervisor, instead of promoting me!

 Well Must get back to it!

 Things on/to look forward to

Monday – jog 40minutes
Tuesday – netball final
Wednesday – Claudines goodbye dinner
Thursday – jog 40 minutes
Friday – Nic’s bday dinner, D’s bday drinks
Saturday – rest? maybe cousins dinner, or poker with J
Sunday – jog 40 minutes, study / mark assignments

Then it’s only 1 week until I see Belle! Yay!!!

Only 24 days till I get paid! haha I want to not put anything on my Credit card so I can save $1,000.

Closure

I really do love him. but we really do not work together, we talked on Sunday and wow, we are so so different. He doesn’t have any drive? or need I dont know the word I’m looking for, but he has no “One day I will have to get a real job” he is content earning $600 a week before tax, playing in a band 3 nights a week, and really, that’s not what I want for the rest of my life, I want to take my boyfriend to work events, with out it being an argument, or even an inconvenience, I want to go on holidays “just because we have leave” and I want someone who realises that what you do is work? like it’s part of living? how can you better your life with out putting in effort??

 I think the time I had with MM really helped me grow as a person.

I think that I know what I want a lot more in life now, and am happy to be alone in order to achieve it.

I am going to see B in a few weeks, and am looking forward to it so much, yet at the same time I’m so nervous, while whenever I’m with her I’m happy, part of me is sad, it makes me miss life with S and K when the 4 of us would talk all the time and plan event after event. It was kind of the only time in my life where I had a group of girlfriends.

And while I think S and I needed to walk away from each other, we needed the space and are probably alot better (more mature) now than we would have been had we stayed in our almost, soap opera relationship, it’s still weird to think that I can’t just go see her, or hang out with her.

I also miss K, I know that it’s my fault that we lost contact, but I tend to always just keep in contact/discuss life via email, so when she wasn’t on email anymore, we kind of fell out of touch. and as my life was so up/down with MM, when do you call, when stuff is falling apart? and feel like “oh wow she only calls cause she’s upset” or when stuff is great then she’d feel like she doesn’t know what is happening in my life at all.

I should be a better friend, and I aim to be in the future. I am not sure where I’m heading at the moment or what I want. I want to finish my CPA, and do well, I want to excel at work, I’m considering moving to London for 12 months in December.

Until next time…

Valentines day sucked.

I really miss him, part of me still wants to be with him, even though I know I’m at least strong enough that I wouldn’t get back with him at the moment

but I also know i’m not what he wants, no matter how much I want him.

I’m a bit frustrated with everyone, I dont know why, probably because I miss him, and seeing anyone doesn’t live up to seeing him.

I’m really looking forward to going down to see B it’s keeping my hyper levels up

I’m calm, I’m not crying every second or anything.

I just really miss him.

Over..

I really thought it was going to be easier this time. I really thought I was ready for it?
Or I really thought stuff was going alot better so dealing with breaking up wasn’t going to be required.

MM broke up with me last night. I’m okay, just really sad. I really love him. I really wanted to be with him. but he doesn’t, so life has to go on I guess. I’m not going to be there when he moves into his new house. He’s going to sleep with someone else. He’s going to feel for someone else what I feel for him.
We won our netball semi final tonight, giving us a week off before the final. C is being really great, she’s basically planned my schedule for the next 3 month.

I’m going to train really hard for the gold coast half marathon. 21 kms in July!! I will focus on that! I never want to date another man. I know that feeling will go away, but right now I just want nothing to do with any guy except him.

Wow so much for being more mature and stable.
but I guess I’m not flipping out like I used to.

I hate this feeling

So we meet again…

I swear this is how all my blogs / online journals start…

First it was Xanga, and then live journal back when LJ needed invite codes, and then diaryland when I felt my online diary readers where knowing too much about me.

It all starts because my best friend has one, if my best friend jumped off a bridge would I? hm yes, the answer is probably yes, or I would be there with her convincing her to get down, so perhaps I am aware of and therefore do not have an issue with my “following” characteristics.

I think I stopped writing last time, because I feel I only write when things are bad, or I’m upset.

Then I read back over it, and I see that my memories I’m recording are these moments when I’m sad, depressed, or bored.

I want to keep a record of the great times and the bad times.

I’m 24, turning 25 this year, I think I have changed alot as a person since I last wrote:

I’m alot more self aware, and analytical of who I am.

I rarely drink anymore, nor do I miss it.

My best friend of 10 years, is no longer even a “hi bye friend” and I do miss her.

I am career focused and driven, I know where I am, I know where I want to be, and I’m actively trying to get there.

I have the greatest friends in the world, who I adore, they aren’t my friends because we party, they aren’t my friends because we drink,they aren’t my friends because of anything other than the fact that we get along. I’m comfortable with them.

I rarely fight with my parents, because we’re adults, and have discussions instead of arguments

Most of the time I’m happy and stable.

I have a boyfriend, who I love and adore, and am also ready to walk away from and move on if that is the way things play out.

I‘m happy with my job, although would like to be paid more.

My goal is to write at least weekly, if not more, and be happy, be honest and remember everything that is necessary with out dramatising things that aren’t for me, not for anyone else.